The Secret Lives of Married men

From the Times Online:

Brian

“I used to work for an airline, and would have flings when I was working. How many? Anything between three and six a month, often at a hotel called Concorde House in Gatwick. There was a common understanding that what happened away stayed away. It was so much the norm that I didn’t actually feel like I was lying. I felt guilty when I woke up in the morning, but I had a system. We were always in hotels, and I would always go back to the girl’s room. They felt more comfortable in their own room and I could leave in the morning, saying I had to take medication for an irritable bowel, and it was embarrassing.

“My wife worked in the same industry. She knew what the score was and never challenged me, which worries me a little as she was probably up to something as well. In fact, I think women are the most clever, calculated deceivers of all. I remember once still being on top of a girl when she picked up the phone to speak to her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe it. She cancelled his call twice, but then took it the third time he rang. Sadly, I don’t fly any more, so my lies now are more about whether I’m at the pub or if I have emptied the dishwasher: things to give me an easy life.”

Richard

“I have been married for 22 years, and my extramarital relationship is the only thing that I lie about. It was a big step for me. I pride myself on my honesty in other aspects of my life, but I was sick of lying to myself and pretending I was happy when I wasn’t. The physical side of my relationship with my wife has disappeared, and there is little prospect of it coming back. We went to counselling four years ago, and things improved for a few months, but then we got back into the same old routine. It is the one thing in our relationship that gets swept under the carpet and not discussed.

“I came to the conclusion that my wife’s physical needs are just far fewer than mine, and then had to decide between breaking up the marriage, which I certainly did not want to do, and seeking something physical elsewhere. The choices left to me were to go and pay for it, which was a no-go because I wouldn’t feel comfortable just having sex – I wanted some kind of friendship, or to meet someone else. I was only looking for one person, not to score notches on my bedpost, and I wanted someone in a totally different circle to mine.

“A year ago I joined a website for married people looking to have an affair. It’s called Illicit Encounters. At first, I was incredibly sceptical about online dating and dating in general – I hadn’t been on a date in 22 years. I had coffee with a couple of women, but there was no spark. It wasn’t until three months later that I met my mistress (I haven’t actually described her as that before). She is also in a sexless marriage. We now meet twice a month on average, always at a neutral location, normally a restaurant hotel for a meal, before going upstairs.

“I don’t think my wife has any idea about what I have been up to. My job is not nine-to-five, so I don’t have to lie too much. She is not an irrationally jealous person, and I have been quite clever and calculating about it all. If I found out she was doing something similar, I would be upset and jealous, but more than anything I would be surprised because she has never given me the impression that sex is important to her.

“What I have learnt from the whole process is that relationships and marriages are not black and white. I never wanted to leave my wife; I love her and we have two lovely children. I am the first to admit that it is a very ‘Have your cake and eat it’ attitude, but I would go as far as to say that, perversely, the website is actually keeping my marriage together. It has put a spring in my step and I am happier at home now that this yearning is fulfilled. How long that will last I don’t know, but at the moment it is ticking all the boxes.”

This excerpt is taken from the Times Online. Read the full article here

Tags: affair, butterflies, cheating, encounters, illicit, Illicit Encounters, liason, looking, marital, married, marrital affair, men, relationship, romance, secret affair, tummy, women